Explaining What I Can't Explain
by Psycho gurl
Summary: Ryuuichi writes a letter back home to Tatsuha explaining why he's leaving him and Shuuichi behind. (Also can be titled--I was bored in math class today)
1. An explanation for the pain

Disclaimers: Gravitation does not and will not ever belong to me. Aren't you SOOOOO happy???

Warnings: Umm, one sided Ryuuichi+Shuuichi, and mentions of RyuuichixTatsuha/TatsuhaxRyuuichi

Notes: Umm…I was VERY bored in math and Japanese today. So sue me (Placing this under the disclaimer wasn't very bright, was it?). That's where this came from…

To Tatsuha:

            I don't know what I'd been expecting as Tohma filled me in on the plane back from America. It wasn't what I saw though. I guess I was expecting something more along the lines of his other 'big band' ASK. Another Aizawa Tachi, a soulless singer who was only in it to make money and feel special. I hate people like him. I had only thought Tohma had wanted me to see him so he'd be inspired and push a little more soul into his music. That's what he'd tried with that Aizawa person. I wasn't all too thrilled about flying 13 hours for some snobbish brat, but I was happy to be home and seeing Tohma again.

            However, when I met him I was thrilled to have made the trip. I wanted to inspire him, but not through song. He sung with feeling, with soul, without knowing what he was saying. His voice was full, emotional, but his words were empty. He sang about love, but you could tell by looking into his eyes that he'd never experienced it firsthand. I wanted to fill those eyes with experience and passion, fill his empty words.

            Bright violet eyes, soft pink hair, an addicting smile. I wanted it all for myself.

            I couldn't have them; he'd already given everything to another.

            I'd met Yuki once before, and Tohma always spoke highly of him, so I tried to give up on my dream and let them both be happy. I knew Shuuichi would make them both happy, he just couldn't hold back. He threw himself into everything fully, and made you care.

            So, instead of trying to inspire him that way, I pushed him. I rejoined Nittle Grasper, I forced him to try harder, showed him his strong points and tried to make him realize them. I picked him up, and when he let me down I dropped him, I watched him shatter even as I wanted to hold him and help him. He'd made the wrong choice in giving up Yuki, his music lacked emotion. He reminded me of Aizawa, and I was disappointed.

            However, I helped him pick back up the pieces and handed them back to him, giving him a shove in the right direction. I let him fix things himself, and offered no comfort, because I knew I'd do something wrong. No matter how hard I tried, I still wanted him. I wanted Shuuichi to be happy, so I left him broken like that so he'd become stronger and learn what he needed to by himself.

            Even though I so desperately wanted to comfort him and help him recover, I didn't dare. I'd be hurting someone else like that, and I couldn't do it. I could have had him all to myself, but I wouldn't have dared try to take him away from Yuki. That would have been backstabbing Shuuichi and Yuki both.

            After he came back his music was just as wonderful and brilliant as it had been before, emotion following his every word and movement. My own words, which were once empty, carried a darker current, and we grew more popular as well. The fans seemed to enjoy the idea of a hopeless romance, and I fed it to them. It was all I could seem to think about when we were releasing our new CD, making Shuuichi stronger. I never once thought about the fans, and I hate myself for it.

            I never let Shuuichi onto something being wrong, and hid it as best I could, but his friend caught it. He made me tell him everything, and I did. Then he told me all about how he'd been through high school, and how he'd gotten over it. He said it was just best to forget him and then try and find someone else. He even offered to hook me up.

            He had Shuuichi introduce me to you.

            I always loved hanging out with you, and I hardly ever had time to think about Shuuichi when you were around. Did you try for that, or did it just sort of happen. You were always busy having me do something or talking about this or that.

            I couldn't let go, though, and I dragged through when you weren't keeping me occupied, when you were silent. I never even once stopped to realize how you were feeling. We were going through the same things, weren't we?

            Shuuichi loved Yuki, I loved Shuuichi, and you loved me, and the person we loved didn't seem to notice. If I had realized earlier I wouldn't have done it, I would have never thought about Shuuichi when you were around, and started a conversation by myself once…a meaningful one.

            Now that I think about it, I think I love you. Thinking about these things without having you here to hold me just because I 'look like I need it' seems so wrong to me.

            I saw you crying last night, before I went to bed. I realized what I'd done to you, and I ran to Shuuichi and cried. I told him everything, and he cried with me. I don't know which one of us he was crying for, but I was crying for you. I could never cry for myself, not when you and Shuuichi are still my friends.

            I wish I could have stayed and made things work out between us, but I know now that I've hurt you, and things can't go on like this. I can't stay around people when I know that I hurt them. I want to make things work with you, but I can't anymore. I'm sorry. I'm a coward and I don't even know why I'm writing this. Filling time on my flight back to America? Desperate to write things down? I don't know. Maybe so you won't hate me, even though I know I deserve it. I'll mail this as soon as I get home. Write me back, keep it, burn it, I don't care. Just so long as you read it, and try to understand me.

            Love,

                        Sakuma Ryuuichi

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Okay, first to clear some things up:

            I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!!!!!!!! RyuuichixShuuichi with a passion, but I tend to like one-sided helpless romances, like Hiro+Shuuichi, and I DO think Ryuuichi has a bit of a crush on Shuuichi, but I don't believe he'd EVER act on it. That being said, PLEASE don't scream at me about not liking RyuuichixShuuichi or whatever, it's my opinion.

            RyuuichixTatsuha/TatsuhaxRyuuichi is my favorite couple! YukixShuuichi is second, so…yeah. (I just had to get that out)

I'm planning on writing Tatsuha a letter later, but you never know. I wrote this in my math and Japanese classes, so if I get inspired enough and am computerless one day, I'll write his.


	2. Come back to me

Disclaimers: Gravitation does not belong to me.

Notes: Yet another creation out of boredom. This time it was free time in World History.

I'm not as good with words as I probably should be before writing you back, but I have to try. My brother's helping me write this, a little bit, but not much. I feel kind of awkward writing this with him around.

I want you to come back here, as does Shuuichi. I didn't let him read your letter or anything, so don't worry about it. He said he misses hanging out with you. You already know that I do, too.

My brother just read your letter. He's calling you a fool, I think. Maybe he's talking to me, he probably is. He says for me to tell you to come back and stop running away. He's cruel like that, and it sounds sort of hypocritical to me, but that's just how he is.

I really want you to come back. I miss you, and I love you. We can get through things, brother and Shuuichi did. I wish I had more to say, I know there's more I WANT to say, but I can't seem to figure out how to get them down. Sometimes I wish I could write like my brother. I'm so very frustrated with this I could cry...more. My brother's going to translate this into English so you can read it easier, and all that. I'll keep your letter, for the rest of my life. Please, if you aren't going to come back, write me back. I miss you.

      ~Tatsuha Uesugi

Editor's note:

I know you don't know me very well, but I have two miserable teenagers at my hands at the moment, and for once I want to do something for them. I can't comfort them, so it's all I can do to try and help.

I'm not sure if I heard the saying in Japan or America, but I once heard someone say that 'you hurt the ones you love the most.' A year ago I wouldn't have thought twice about such a childish, bullshit statement, but since meeting Shuuichi I've realized how true it is. It's only normal to hurt the person you care about, you can't give up right away. Every time you hurt one another you're given the opportunity to come back and forge your relationship stronger.

I tried running away from Shuuichi many times, and I probably will continue to do so, I can't stand to see him hurt sometimes. However, every time he comes back to me we'll grow a little closer, and maybe one day I'll learn to stop hurting him so.

Tatsuha is willing to save up his money and follow you to America. He forgives you, and he's willing to waste tons of money and stick himself in a country where he can barely speak the language to see you again. If you could see him you'd understand this much easier. Come back at least for him. Shuuichi can find someone else to hang out with eventually, and although he may still miss you he can still do the things he enjoys. Tatsuha can't do that so easily. He's 16 and in love, or at least believes he is, he can't let go.

       ~Eiri Uesugi

P.S.--I thank you for not trying to take Shuuichi away from me. Everyone knows things would be better that way. Your smile and cheerful attitude would have won over my insults and glares any day. I need him, and I thank you for not taking him away from me.

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I couldn't let Tatsuha allow Ryuuichi to leave him like that, you should have all known that! Therefore, here is Tatsuha's pursuit message to Ryuuichi, trying to get him to come back, and Yuki's own opinion on the matter. I didn't feel like letting Ryuuichi leave darling Tatsuha, they'd miss each other WAY too much!


End file.
